Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
