I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
