remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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