My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
