Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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