Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize