The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
