after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
