what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
