happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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