What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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