Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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