a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
