Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
