after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
as a side note pls kill me
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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