We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
