Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
