Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
