Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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