I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
