the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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