saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Randomize
