Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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