Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
