I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I would fuck him just for his dog
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
