I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Threesome in a minivan. New low
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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