Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
