i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
