I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
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