I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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