Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
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