And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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