I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
