Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
