is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
