So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
