Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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