I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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