I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
