You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
