I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
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