that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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