I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
