Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
