he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
