you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
