just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Those nachos came to me in a dream
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
