how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
