Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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