on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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