Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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