I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
They should really pass out barf bags in church
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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