I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
You peed on a flamingo?!?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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