The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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