Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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