So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
