I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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