Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
